Conscious Mommy

If you identify as a people pleaser, you may feel… 

• like the people in your life don’t appreciate you enough

• like your kindness and generosity are often taken advantage of

• like you need to agree with whoever is in front of you because you’re afraid of conflict or you want their admiration

• like you had to change a part of yourself so you could fit in with the crowd

• like you need to apologize for someone else’s feelings and behaviors

• like saying No is a difficult and potentially wrong thing to do

• like your worth is dependent upon how others see you

• like you’re depleted and there isn’t enough time to care for yourself, because you dedicate most of your time to others

It’s not a character flaw to be a people pleaser. The heart of the pleaser is usually consumed with kindness and compassion. People pleasers are often anxious about others’ opinions of them, and overly concerned with the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others.

People Pleasers are often extremely accommodating to their own fault. They are great friends, excellent listeners, and always available while asking for very little in return.

People pleasers often minimize their own needs and problems, which fuels resentment when others see them as highly competent and ‘never needing anyone’.

People pleasers are prone to burn out. They burn out in relationships, at work, and practically everywhere they feel pressured to please while also losing sight of themselves.

Despite the gargantuan efforts people pleasers make to show up for the people in their lives, they often struggle with feeling like they’re not good enough, perpetuating cycles of guilt, shame, and blame. 

It’s HARD being a people pleaser!

People Pleasers started off as Parent Pleasers.

If you were raised in a traditional parenting environment, most likely you were conditioned to please your parents.  How does typically this happen?  When parents praise us for being compliant, ‘good’ kids, and withdraw their affection when we misbehave, we learn very early on:

• Being perfect gets me the attention I need.

• Being bad makes me feel lonely, isolated, and unwanted.

Parental attention is critical for our social safety and survival. 

Did you hear things like:

• Get good grades and make us proud!

• Do your chores or you’ll get a punishment.

• Follow my orders the first time, or else.

• Serve your uncles coffee so they know you’re a good kid.

• I wouldn’t have screamed if you would have just behaved the way I told you to!

These are just some examples of how your parents may have programmed you into excessive people-pleasing.  When we learn that behaving in a pleasing way is a vital form of currency to get our basic needs met in our primary relationships, we assume this is how we must behave in every relationship in order to survive.

You might have been raised to be a Parent Pleaser if you were conditioned to:

• Serve your parent’s needs, emotions, and interests, especially at the expense of your own

• Notice and attend to what enrages your parent and actively avoid it

• Feel afraid of disappointing a parent

• Feel ashamed if you let a parent down

• Believe your parent’s emotions were your responsibility